Ramblings

I was going to spend this post talking about how Joel has changed my way of thinking (he has) but I really just feel like venting right now. We are in the process of moving which, as I mentioned before. is the first time in my life doing this on my own. The idea in thought actually isn't that bad. Just pack and drive 6 minutes down the street. But in reality it involves (for some reason) having piles and piles of clothes and misc piles of crap laying everywhere. It also involves just having stuff sitting around on the table and counters until I can find time or figure out how I want to transport it. So basically we are living in piles of messes right now. The reality also means that I have a little boy who is already bored out of his mind (and must I say a mom who already is feeling extremely guilty about not intellectually stimulating him enough) being bored even further and even more feeling of guilt as I try to "pack" (I use that term lightly as this really is not packing more like shoving what I can into garbage bags and then into my car driving over to the house and throwing it into the garage). I look at him everyday and feel like he needs more- more than what I am able to provide. Hopefully he will not be intellectually damaged his whole life because of his one year spent with me. I think about what Summer was doing at his age- engaged in fun and educational activities with other children at a nationally accredited preschool. But on the other hand I did not see her for 9 hours a day. Why is life so full of extremes? Sigh... oh well to get back to my chaos. Everyone keeps asking me do you have a moving day? Well, no my original plan was to little by little bring things over because our lease for the condo is not up until Aug. anyway. All that was changed when Ali realized that he would have to do all the moving himself and that the two guys that could help him will be leaving for the off season on the ranch. So Sunday comes along and we are shoving stuff into my cousins truck because him and his friend were there to help. Plans were made for a truck to come Thurs because Ali had access to one and the guys would be here. So here I am trying to get everything shoved over to the new house.

I have been stress eating since I came back from our trip. Stress eating for me is eating a whole nother meal at night and just basically eating stuff I don't normally eat in amounts I would not normally think of putting in my mouth. It's funny how when we came back I missed everyone more then before I came. I am doing fine and I am really happy here but its a whole new way of living for me. I think it's just being able to function day to day on my own without support. I think I have realized since I have been here how much I had mentally depended on others. I was out walking this evening and I was thinking about how the last 10 years I have not had to make any friends or seek out any social situations. I had my small group of friends I have known for years and my family. There is comfort in that- but there is also stagnancy. Here I am out here on my own making a way for us. I know in my heart that God has put people in my life that I need. I picture myself like that little bird getting ready to fly and the mamma bird pushing her out of the nest. That little bird has no idea what she can do and the potential she holds in her wings and is scared but she has to trust. Yep that's me a little bird. So that leads me back to the stress eating. I know I am doing it but its like something takes over. So here I am 5 pounds later feeling very uncomfortable. I am also breaking out like crazy. So as you can tell I am feeling quite pretty and confident. I know I will lose it cause I can't live like that but that's not the point- the point is why do I keep doing this over and over again?

Well, anyway in other news Summer is getting glasses. I think I need to be the recipient of the bad mom of the year award because the nurse called me in like November for a heads up from the eye exam at school and I dragged my feet on it. To be truthful I did not take it seriously so finally her and Ali went to the doctor last Fri and they BOTH need glasses. She really needed them bad I guess. Adam is back in preschool one day a week for 4 hours. Its really cool- its gymnastics, swimming and preschool and I get three hours to myself because I volunteer that day at Summer's school. Hockey season is over and now he is waiting for T ball in May. He LOVES any sport. Obviously did not get that gene from me.

Thanks for listening to me vent!