Sorry

about not posting- my life has taken over! I want to testify that I have received blessing upon blessing. It's truly incredible and I am so thankful to God. We had a wonderful time in Mexico. Just beautiful and perfect timing. I needed to get away from the business consuming my thoughts and time. As far as the deli is going- I received my loan today. I am so relieved. In case you were wondering (I know you spend all night thinking about it) how many blessings I have received- things have fallen into place and i have received things for free- that I did not even ask for! Just when my doubts and worry take over I think about God's hand in all this and I feel stronger. It's not perfect wonderful fantasy world over here- its hard work and worry and stress but its amazing all the things that are happening. We are looking at a Feb. opening. I will keep you updated!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!!

About Security...

I heard this quote today and I really LOVE it:

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." Helen Keller

I really like this because I think I spent most of my life looking for that false security. Really there is none in this life. There is always going to be some problem some obstacle to overcome. How many times did I say "If I could just get through this". I tried to avoid danger and let fear make my decisions for me. Knowing that I can trust God makes it easier. There will always be something to overcome but knowing its in God's plan makes it easier to know that it will pass and will lead to something better. We can rest in Him no matter what our circumstances are.

How am I capable of starting my business?

"You will have courage because you will have hope. You will be protected and will rest in safety.

You will lie down unafraid, and many will look to you for help." Job11:18-19

Recap of Adam's Birthday Party

Well, even though I really wasn't feeling my best I think the adrenaline kept me going yesterday. The theme was pirate and I mentioned that my "real" pirate couldn't come and I found a lady to bring her miniature
horse. The day was beautiful- first time in 6 years that it was nice on his birthday! It all worked out great. Summer and I went all out and dressed up like pirates and Adam wore his pirate hat, patch, and sword. Ali even wore a skull shirt. We decorated the house with pirate theme stuff. I had to order a lot online because there is not much here to chose from. At one point we had 20 kids, between brothers and sisters staying. We played a game and the kids got to ride "peanut" the miniature pony. Summer and her friends did face painting and tattoos, we had a treasure hunt and pinata, pizza and cake. So much fun! I got these cute paper treasure boxes filled with pirate stuff and hid them around our yard for the kids to find. We had friends who stayed to help which was so nice. I think everyone had fun- I know I did! It was a bit crazy when everyone came inside to eat and open presents- we had some gum get stuck in the carpet (I got it out yesterday). I said that I wanted to have a big party for Adam at least once at our house- you gotto at least once! After all these years of doing big parties for Summer and her friends Adam finally got his turn. All the friends he invited came. We were all exhausted at the end of the day and today I have been sleeping and basically laying around. Summer made breakfast this morning for everyone and Ali is making dinner. So nice. Thanks God for blessing him with a wonderful day! I wanted to post some pics but I don't feel comfortable posting pictures of the all the kids.

Need....energy

I have a lot to do today- cleaning, buying, getting ready for the party and I am not feeling well. It was a miracle I have not gotten sick up to this point- Adam has had a cold since last weekend and Ali has been coughing really since summer. He went to the doctor and they took xrays- they said they could not find anything. The doctor was stumped and told him maybe it was allergies. To what? Also, I usually get sick when I do a thorough cleaning- maybe from the dust. If I could just get enough energy for tomorrow I can lay around Sunday. OK here I go!

God Speaking to Me- mushy gooshey post ahead

There are some things I wanted to talk about- but I hesitate because I don't want anyone to be turned off by my preaching- but then again how often do we think about God? We need to even if you don't agree with me or believe what I am saying. Even if you do not believe in God hearing my testimony may give you some insight into my life and how it was changed.

So, with that preface I am going to tell you what happened to me last Sat. I believe that God speaks to us many different ways, through events and situations, people he sends to us in our lives, most importantly through his word in the Bible.If you pay attention- you will see him at work everyday in your life. But literally- I heard God speak to me. This business I am working on has its ups and downs. I know through it all that He has a plan for me and I have learned to TRUST even when things don't make sense or are not going my way. It takes a lot of stress off of me to know that ultimately He is in control. I need to follow His will for me. Sometimes that's hard but it requires looking for the ways that He speaks to me in my life. There are times when I bust my butt working on something, knowing that God is motivating me and giving me the strength to accomplish what I need to do, and then there are times when no matter what I do, the outcome is completely in his hands. So I let it go. Usually that is a battle in my brain- goes something like this: I HAVE to get this done- no, it God's timeline not yours. But I NEED to know- no God will let you know when you need to. I can't be patient- you have to be patient because you are not in control of this! Well, I was working out last Sat. feeling quite yucky, out of shape and gross, a little down about a few things and then I heard Him speak to me. He said "Jenny you can shine". What? It didn't hit me until the class was over and I went into the bathroom when I thought about what He said. I could feel my eyes well up and burn. How perfect- I can shine! I can shine with His light within me. He didn't say "you are shining" or "you are a shiner" but I know can with his Grace. I need to change a few things in my life to get to my full shining potential- particularly my discipline about some things. But I am so thankful for those words.

This Sat. is Adam's 6th birthday "pirate" party at our house. 16 kids are coming, boys and girls, of all ages. I have been kinda down the last few days because we had scheduled a pirate to come and facepaint do balloons etc and they cancelled. It has been on my mind along with the 20 million other things I got going on. I prayed this morning to ease my mind. Well, what do you know- I checked my email and the "Seize the Deal" of the day was Horses for Hooplas! I called the lady and she is coming!! She is bringing a miniature horse with obstacle course for the kids to ride. I am soooo excited. Can't wait. Thank you God for these blessings!

Summer and Adam's Fort By Summer and Adam

Hello and welcome to our fort!

This side is a secret window!

This is the inside.

Come on in!

Wait- you have to tell me the password first!

OK- the password is "pass"

Here is Summer's bed.

Bye Now!

My goals for today...

Complete the Marketing section of my Business Plan
Start on the Financial (my last section- whew!!)
Fold and put away laundry - uh this is torture for me- hate hate laundry
Either go to the gym or walk with Asi for 1 hour

I am having trouble staying focused on completing my business plan. Just need to to remember how good it will feel when its done!

The past does not define us...it prepares us

The thing that really sucks (or is really great) about mistakes is that you need to make them in order to learn and grow and become a better person. I have been thinking a lot lately about my past mistakes (far far past and recent), and the thing is I have no one else to blame except myself. I think that I tend to talk myself into how someone pressured me to do something our how my "circumstances" lead me to make a bad decision- but who ultimately made the decision? I don't want to beat myself up for things that I have done wrong- thats not productive or healthy- but admitting we were wrong to someone is freeing. I would not be where I am today- healthy, strong, confident in my faith, a loving mother, a good role model, and in Montana- without the journey (sometimes painful) to get here. In a way I am thankful for the pain and struggles that brought me to a better place. I am thankful to God for my journey closer to Him.

Talents and ramblings

I think its so cool how God gave us each unique talents and abilities- there are so many things that I do not enjoy that I know others do. For example, my accountant told me she ENJOYED setting up spreadsheets- that would be pure hell for me. I am in awe of my teachers at the gym. They are so good and motivating at what they do. Do you think that these are God given talents or ones that we need to take the time to work on- with God as our guide? Someone asked me the other day how I became a chef? What???? I was taken back- I am not a chef! That is such a compliment that someone liked what I made so much they assumed that I was a chef. I hope that I am using all the gifts and talents that God has given me. Maybe its not a matter of using them at once- I was good teacher during that time in my life. I can use what I learned from teaching (how to deal with people, patience, flexibility, planning, creativity) with my business.

Have....to....vent....

OK so this has been on my mind ALOT lately- my neighbors. So, at first it really bothered me that they kept their 2 dogs in a cage 24 hours a day. The dogs do not get petted, any attention, or taken out ALL day. In fact the three small children they have spend time taunting and poking them through the fence. They created a "larger" cage for the dogs ehich is about 10x10 with a "roof" (a piece of plastic). When I walk by everyday walking Asia they attack and bite each other (I don't know why they do that maybe frustration?). every morning the mom "cleans" the cage and takes each one out for a 1 minute walk around the yard and then back in the cage they go. They are not trained, jump all over her, and do not know how to walk on the leash. So my question is WHY DO YOU HAVE DOGS? NOT ONLY ONE BUT TWO OF THEM????????????? Really, what is the point???? I don't get it.

So then if that isn't bad enough they had a rabbit cage with a few rabbits in it. Once again the rabbits were NEVER taken out. Hopped one step and basically stayed in the same position all day. Again I ask the question WHY???? So when we pulled in today I noticed the rabbit cage dismantled on the side of their house. I mentioned it to my kids and they said "oh ya they let their rabbits go" WHAT? those rabbits will be dead in a matter of days. They cannot survive in the wild. So why didn't they just go to a pet store, cut the rabbits heads off, and hang them for dead? I don't get it.

More plant based!

Looks like Weight Watchers is advocating a plant based diet!

"Research has shown that people whose diets are rich in plant-based foods—fruits, vegetables and whole-grain breads and cereals—have a lower incidence of most cancers."

http://www.weightwatchers.com/util/art/index_art.aspx?tabnum=1&art_id=44291&sc=3017

Quick post- and quick sermon!

Sorry its been a while but I've had a lot on my plate lately (in a good way). First, let me tell you I have been listening to Joel Osteen (pastor of lakewood church) and my thinking is slowly changing. I am changing how I function. I have this calm peaceful feeling overcoming me- I can't explain it. I think this is what it must feel like to take antidepressents- only this is a spiritual pill. I am trusting God's plan for me. One of the biggest things I get from Joel is not to settle for mediocraty in your life. God wants you to have the biggest blessing and most blessed life you can. What does it require? Faith in God's plan. Trusting Him. We all have those doubts- what we can and can't achieve. I mean people TELL us to our face (yes to me to- even by people that we care about) what we can and cannot do. What our limits, strengths, and weaknesses are- but can those people tell God what HIS limits are? It's not what you can or cannot do- its what God can fulfill in your life. Fullfilling your dreams requires taking a chance and putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. Putting yourself on the line- and in God's hands. Do you have a little dream seed? Waiting to sprout?

My dreams are seeming to becoming closer to me. Joel talks about "handfuls on purpose". It goes back to story of Ruth from the Bible- when she was collecting the leftover wheat from the fields- and the owner told his worker to leave her some "on purpose". Well, those handfuls are coming my way. Only by God's grace.

Dairy

Sorry ya'll but I have to post this. Please be informed...

http://www.pcrm.org/health/veginfo/dairy.html

Little girls...

I only have a good 5 or 6 more years with Summer to directly inflence her life. Until she hits 15 or 16 she will absolutely be depending on me for knowledge of the world around her(obviously I will still be influencing her after that but not like I do now). Am I supplying her with what she needs? We as parents spend a huge amount of time worrying about our kids and the influences around them. We can directly influence our kids in so many ways. Church being one of them. Now let me tell you how many time we have gone since VBS? Zero. We will start again next week. Some mornings it is all I can do to get dressed and go over there. But where else in the world can you bring your child to learn about good values, God, and surround them with others who hold those same values? Where I bring my kids is important (even if they do not want to go). And by the way- its good for me too :0)

TV- I mean my God what are children watching? Who thinks that Hannah Montana and Disney are innocent? Have you watched a Disney channel show lately? Kissing, boyfriends, girlfriends, and cheating are common themes. What happened to kids just being kids???? I cannot even watch a show without shielding my child's eyes from the commercials. I am canceling our cable- I know there will be wailing and knashing of the teeth- but this is another way I can directly influence my child.

My behavior- if my children see me volunteering my time, giving, and generally being a nice person- won't that affect their lives?

Who I surround myself with- do my friends have these same common values?

Talking to them, reading books that are appropriate- like a children's bible. I just ordered Summer the "Lily Series" its a Christian series of books about a little girl. I also ordered "Six Ways to Keep the Little In Your Girl" I will update you with the info I found.

Why have I been thinking about all this? My little girl wanted her first bra- yep we went bra shopping. Now granted she really does not NEED one but the point is she is THINKING about these things (we actually just got one that is more like a sports bra with a stretchy piece of fabric). That is totally scarey for me. But at least I know there are things I can do to stop her from growing up so fast! She still watches PBS, plays with Barbies, plays outside, likes to read ALOT. OK let me go shed a few tears now...

School

So the kiddos started school last Tues and here is the update. Adam is LOVING it so far. He is so happy to be children his own age and he is in heaven with 3 recesses a day. He said that he has made friends but he doesn't know their names. Its so hard to let your kids go on their own knowing that someone could be mean to them. He is a pretty sensitive kid in that way and don't think its something he would come home and tell me about. Those things usually come out here and there out of nowhere. Summer is doing OK. I think it hit her the first day that this really starting all over. She was really excited to go but then was down that evening. She said everyone is staring at her and talking about her. I told her these kids have been staring at each other for 5 years so now they have someone new to stare at. and of course she is so pretty who wouldn't stare at her? But she takes it the wrong way- like she is a freak or something. She is becoming more self conscience of herself lately. I think that's part of getting closer to that preteen age. I don't think she is growing up too fast though- she still enjoys playing with Adam and watching PBS. Hopefully that won't change any time soon. I think once she gets comfortable there she will be fine. She gets nervous like me when she doesn't know what to expect. She needs that consistent routine in her life.

I am at home by myself right now at home and LOVING IT! I just need to schedule my day so that get everything done I need to do. I don't know what I will be doing - I was thinking of subbing until I figure out what is going on with this business. I keep on praying about it so I will keep you updated.

Plant life

OK so I am trying a plant based diet for 30 days- if you want to follow my progress go to my other blog:

http://jensloveoffood.blogspot.com/

I will post more tomorrow about the first week of school!

Good night

Relaxation

Hi guys- I took some time off from the markets last week and its been so nice to just chill with kids. We don't have to go anywhere or do anything- all camps and classes have ended and just another week away from school. We got to hang out with some friends Thurs and Friday which was really nice- especially being able to hang out with an adult! For some reason I have been "nesting" the past couple of days (no I am not pregnant thank you very much). Its like I am preparing for winter or something. I have reorganized the kids rooms, hung up more pictures, organized closets, and the best thing of all: I bought a new mattress cover made of memory foam! Whoo hoooo! Who knew that $130 could completely change my life! I love it- its like having a new mattress. Its so comfy and cozy. I also bought a new soft fleece blanket and some jersey sheets. I feel like a princess! So I was thinking about it- I have never bought myself new sheets. Never in the 11 years I have been married. My sheets were always gifts from someone or hand me downs from my mom. Why is that? Weird.

Since I've had all this time we went to the library and I actually checked out books for myself. I am reading The End of Overeating. I am about halfway through it and its very good. It basically explains through research how the restaurant and food industry is purposely selling us food that makes us fat, crave more and become addicted to it through a very scientific concoction of fat and sugar. Very good read. The next one is The China Study- recommended by a friend. It is about how the medical and food industry affect our culture and health.

We (yes I also actually sat down and watched the WHOLE thing) also rented The Frontier House. Summer and I have been wanting to watch this series so I checked at the library and they had it. It is about three families who left their lives to live as they did in the 1880s. We all LOVED this show- especially me and Summer. I think I can truly appreciate it more now that we live in Montana (that was where it was filmed). We actually saw where they trained for it in Virginia City- that's where a lady mentioned it to me. It makes you step back and think about all the things we truly don't need and can live without. Being here has made appreciate the simpler things ( I know -I know- sounds cheezy but its true). I do have to say I miss being near a mall for back to school shopping though!

I am working on losing some pounds I packed on from not exercising consistently since June and just basically eating whatever. You can track my progress or lack thereof on my other blog.

End of summer?

I can't believe its the middle of August! This summer flew by but we did ALOT. From all the volunteering and camps in June, the markets and visitors in July. Its been amazing to spend our first summer here. Our extra time has been spent outdoors and exploring new areas. There are so many beautiful places to visit and so much to do. I am feeling a bit emotional realizing Adam will be in school soon. Its like my little bird leaving the nest. Its strange because I don't remember feeling this way about Summer starting at all. Maybe because I knew I still had another little one to go (in my mind there is no way I will be having any more kids) and also maybe because I know I am starting a new phase in my life. Maturity, getting older, and watching my kids grow? I am also feeling apprehensive about what is next for me. The markets will be done the middle of Sept and my kids will be back to school. I would like to still keep working on the business but in what capacity? I have been looking at spaces for a small deli but I haven't found anything that jumps out at me, I could also go the wholesale route or also just cater. I am waiting to see what God's plan is for me.

We just returned from a little trip to Redlodge, MT and Cody, WY. What a beautiful trip! We drove on the Beartooth Highway- hailed as the most beautiful stretch of highway in the country. I would have to agree but I haven't been on every highway :0) we reached elevations of 11,000 feet above sea level! It was surreal being that high up- literally inside clouds. It was like another planet.

There is something exciting about fall, the first day of school, new clothes and bookbags. I still get jitters thinking that I will be going back to my own classroom. Now I just have jitters for my own kids new adventures and experiences. Hopefully, I can make it special for them (mommy do you HAVE to pictures at school??)

The Weaver by anonymous

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me
I cannot change the colors
He worketh steadily

Oftimes he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
and I the underside

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned

Some insight

I have to admit I had a pretty sucky day yesterday. I was really lonely cooking all by myself and people and things were getting on my nerves. I was in a funk the past two weeks and in a negative mode. You know the one I am talking about- when you focus on NEGATIVE things, situations, and people. I can get consumed by it. Today I think part of that funk lifted and I took a good look around. I have so many people supporting me either physically or mentally with this new adventure. My husband is taking his two ONLY days off to help me, I have friends coming out of the woodwork to offer help, and my own family is very supportive. I heard something on the radio today: be better not bitter. Ya, I can sit and dwell on negatives and I think that's OK but then its time to move on and see what God has waiting.

It's August!

I can't believe its August already although the kiddos don't start until Sept. 1 it means the summer is more than halfway over. Adam will be starting Kindergarten which is beyond exciting for him. I think he is also beyond ready. I am going to miss them this week- they are heading off to horseback riding camp all week which is all day. They are really pumped for it. I hope that its as good experience as they are expecting. I will be cooking all day tomorrow and Tues is the market. That gives me Wed. all to myself! What will I do with myself??? I haven't had 5 minutes to myself since I don't know when. Thinking about trading in my spa gift card Ali got me for christmas- maybe a massage? Dad and Beverly will be Thurs. and are staying for a few days then moving onto some places they will be visiting and then they'll be back the following week.

Wejdan (sister in law) and my mom left last Wed. so I had my first Sat. market on my own this past weekend. I was really nervous about it- don't know why- I know exactly what to do. Guess its just nervewracking knowing that everything falls on my shoulders. It went fine although it wasn't as much fun. Soooooooo cute how Summer wanted to help. She wanted to step in knowing that my help left. She woke up with me at 7:00 am and helped me set up. I told her I would pay her for helping and then she immediately wanted to go to Costco to get a lunch box she saw earlier. She is my little cheerleader- always believing in me and happy for me. I am so blessed with her.

I have a few new ideas for things I would like to sell this week to replace the WONDERFUL pies Wejdan made. I have an aversion to dough- I don't like it and it doesn't like me. So, I am making pita pizzas with spinach, feta, tomato, onion. Also thinking about doing one with hummus and tabouli salad on top. Hmmmmm we'll see.

I'll post some pics from our first fishing trip soon!

Market Updates and more...

Hi guys,

Busy times going on around here. We've been doing the Tues and Sat markets now since the beginning of June. The best one is the Tues night market- it has a great young vibe and people usually come hungry! We have a lot of repeat customers coming back now and a lot of people that I recognize which is super cool. So many people are excited about this food which is really motivating and pushing me to go on. I have been learning a lot from Wejdan and I feel like my cooking has improved, I have tweeked a lot of recipes and I am more comfortable in the kitchen. It is a TON of work though and it would be so much better if we didn't have to lug all the stuff back and forth to the kitchen and the markets. It's so fun to hear compliments about the food and EVERYONE has been asking when are we opening a restaurant? Its even to the point of annoying cause its like OK just enjoy this food for right now. I think we have said "we just are at the markets for right now" at least 1000 times but that's OK cause people are really interested in what we are doing. Well, I cannot answer that question right now. I am doing a lot of praying about what direction to go with this so I guess we'll all just see. All I can say is that I really enjoying this and it feels good just to work on something of your own.

My mom and Wejdan are leaving in less then 10 days and I will be ON MY OWN with all of this. Its overwhelming but I said I was going to do it whether she came or not so I am going to do it. My biggest concern is the kids- when I am cooking and hauling all this stuff. I will have to downsize some of the things I bring and cook. I am thinking of continuing on with some catering part time- I have a few places that I think could present some opportunities. I will have more time when the kiddos go back to school. Here are some pics of the market:

In Livingston Wed. night:

Getting ready Sat. morning at the fairgrounds:

Dolma!

Here are some thoughts while I was walking today- complete faith- complete faith is being able to put all your plans, hopes and dreams into God's hands. He created us- living complicated beings and the world around us- so can you trust him enough to take care of your worries and plans? "God will perfect that which concerns me"

It's Tues

I couldn't think of a title for this post so "It's Tues"! Every night I look out the large windows in my family room before I go to bed and on most nights I can see all the stars. That was one of the biggest differences I noticed when I first moved here- how clear the stars are and how many more you can see. It is awesome- I was never interested in astrology in OH because its so hard to see the stars. The past few night I have seen the "W" constellation so clearly so I just looked it up and its called Cassiopeia. I should go get a night sky guide because I recognize so many stars but I don't know their names.

I think we have been getting into a routine with the market preparations. Wejdan has been making her "pies" spinach-feta, zataar, and sambosa which a filled with a veggie mix. I have been making the hummus, baba ganooj, couscous salad, and we have both been chopping parsley for the tabouli salad. Plus we just added baklava which sold out the first hour tonight. So here is the deal- I think she is leaving soon so its just gonna be me! I am a little scared but I know God will work it all out.

I was driving today and started to get tears in my eyes. I was going back to pick up my stuff from the market and as I pulled out of the park the orchestra was playing, some kids were riding bikes, the wind was blowing, the sun was shining, and in that moment I felt truly truly blessed. I don't know where this business is going- I want it to continue- but I do know I am already blessed. Thanks God

Market updates etc.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately I just really have not had time to post (or check facebook which might actually be a good thing). I hope I don't lose any readers because of it :( Anyway, we had girl scout camp last week and I volunteered for 2 full days and Adam got to go too- he had a blast! Last Wed. I was out in the rain and then hail trying to make "pigs in the blanket" which is basically a hot dog with a biscuit slapped on it. Well, let's just say they turned out to be just pigs- no blanket by the time they were rescued from the storm! This week is vacation bible school which I am also volunteering for- somehow I am the science leader (??????????) how did that happen? It's been going well but I am so shaky with science. The past few weeks have been humbling- starting a new direction in my life is filled with uncertainty and new learning experiences. Where as a veteran teacher I was experienced and ready for any situation I am starting all over now. There are many times I doubt myself and what I am doing but on the other hand it is VERY fun and exciting. and exhausting. The markets are going well- especially the Tues evening market. It is such a fun atmosphere- people are willing to try new foods and ready to eat. Sat market is less food oriented and people are thinking about breakfast because its in the morning. Less people willing to try something new. But we actually did pretty well there too considering all those things. I will TRY to post some pics if I can find a moment!

Dreams

I have a new dream now that I am driven too. Sometimes I think what if this is all for nothing? But then I stuff that thought down and focus on what I need to do. It can be lonely when you have a dream and no one else understands what you want to do or is as excited and motivated like the way you are. Challenges are only there to make you become stronger. Do not give up on your dreams! I truly believe that those dreams are seeds that God planted to see what you will do with it, how bad you want it and how hard you are willing to work for it. What if everyone gave up at every moment of adversity? If I really didn't want to pursue this dream I could name a million reasons why NOT to do this as I am sure that every person walking on this earth could think of just as many reasons to give up on their own dream (time, money, effort, energy, risk, etc) but I really want to try. So even if I end up doing this on my own I can say I TRIED I put in the full effort even if no one else cares.

Dreams
by Langston Hughes


Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.


Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


"All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible."
T.E. Lawrence

Keepin on....

Trying to move forward. I hate to post when I am feeling discouraged but that is all a part of trying something new. Challenges and obstacles are all a part of the journey. Things are going well overall- Wejdan (sister in law) is here helping me. She has been here for two weeks and helping me soooooo much. She is an incredible worker- so fast and efficient. I really need the help with all the cooking and hauling and selling. But, I know she is not going to stay forever so I have to get in my mind that I will need to do this myself at some point. Our menu right now is: hummus, tabouli (parsley salad), baba ganouj (eggplant dip), couscous salad, falafel, stuffed grape leaves, spinach pies, pita bread, and pita chips. Things have been selling and some things are sold out. I am feeling kindof bummed right now because I feel the momentum slowing a bit. I just got the bill today from the kitchen and it is not all what we talked about. Future reference: get EVERYTHING in writing. Bummed. I know we will get it straightened out or I will have to find another kitchen. Gotto keep moving.

I am so blessed with this opportunity that God has given me. I have to remember that it is not what I can or cannot do but my expectation is from HIM. I doubt myself all the time but then I just remember that.

We stayed in Yellowstone last weekend with Summer's girl scout troop- that experience was awesome to say the least. We were staying right smack in park with bison wandering nearby. It was so beautiful. I will post pictures soon. I think Wejdan enjoyed it too. This are all new experiences for us. This week is girl scout camp for Summer and I am volunteering three days. The week after that is Vacation Bible School all week and I am the science leader for the older kids. So June will be quite busy. Hopefully I will have some good news to update you with. God bless.

Chickpea is born (awww what a cute baby)

Well, my life is about to get crazier but in a good way this time (by my own choice). Our first market day is Tues. I can't believe its here! It seemed soooooooo far away! My sister in law Wejdan is here- I can't believe that she is really here either! I am so happy she is here to help me- now I actually have someone to talk to and make decisions with. It makes my life so much better having someone to work with. Just in case you missed it- I have started my own business- its called (dah dah dah) Chickpea Cafe and we will be preparing and packaging mediterranean food at the market on Sat and Tuesdays thru Sept. Well, I doubt if she will stay that long (her hubby is still in OH) but we'll see- at least I am planning to sell thru Sept. So here is the GRAND OPENING of my logo. YOU ALL ARE SO SPECIAL because you are the first ones to see it. I designed it myself and gave it to someone to create a PDF file that I can use in my publications. Are you ready?

Isn't it cute and beautiful and great and the most wonderful logo you have ever seen? Anyway I am apologizing ahead of time for not posting as often but I just want to keep everyone up to date on what is going on here. It's such an exciting time in my life- God has truly blessed me and my family with hope and love! I know that He is guiding me every step of the way. Here is what today's devotional was:

"We attempt to think of that which we fancy He will forget; we labour to take upon ourselves our weary burden, as if He were unable or unwilling to take it for us. Now this disobedience to His plain precept, this unbelief in His Word, this presumption in intruding upon His province, is all sinful. Yet more than this, anxious care often leads to acts of sin. He who cannot calmly leave his affairs in God's hand, but will carry his own burden, is very likely to be tempted to use wrong means to help himself. This sin leads to a forsaking of God as our counsellor, and resorting instead to human wisdom."

What that means to me is such freedom! I don't have to take on the worries of the world or be weary with my own. This is God's job to work out things in my life for the best. What a good feeling!

Get ready for the weekend!

We are going to Spokane tomorrow (its a six hour drive). I will tell you about it when we get back. I lost three pounds (that is slow torture) so hopefully I won't mess it up too much this weekend.

Love,

Jen

Faith in God is like Legos?

OK so I was sitting here this evening spending about 2 hours putting together a lego set that Adam's daddy bought him today (he came home today-yay!). As I was putting it together I was thinking about why it is so relaxing to me to help Adam construct these sets. All the pieces serve a purpose and each piece has an exact place to fit. There is something reassuring about that. All you have to do is follow the directions and you know- that if you follow the directions carefully and the right way it will all come together to make something really cool. Well, isn't that how our faith should be? That we trust God, he has the plan, we just need to follow his word and guidance in our lives. If we can do that- trust that his plan will create something great in our lives- shouldn't we rest easy? Deep thoughts huh?

Whining and reflection

I have been so weepy, serious, and reflective the past few days. I think it because my husband is in another country and we all miss him so much. The first week was OK but this week has been really hard. We just miss him. We have been jumping on each other for the smallest things and the kids have been fighting constantly. I think its just an imbalance not having him here. But he will return tomorrow and things hopefully will go back to "normal" whatever that is. But that also depends on how he is doing- I think he had a REALLY rough time but I knew it would be really hard for him. I just don't think he realized how hard.

I forced myself to get the kids going and go to church this morning. I couldn't bear sitting around here another day with nothing to do but the twenty million chores that will never get done while the weather is nice. It was OK- they fought because Summer refuses to go to the kids class and sits with me and Adam's class ends right in the middle of service (I know its weird) so he has to come and sit with us for the last half hour. Well they got to bickering and I was VERY irritated. Let's just say my patience is running VERY low. God bless the single parents. I feel like I have been correcting and breaking up fights the whole weekend. Oh well, time to move on. I also forced myself to go to a dinner at the church with the kiddos this evening for the Vacation Bible School kickoff. I really REALLY did not want to go for many reasons- one my brain and energy level is dead, two I really did not feel like socializing, three I hate walking into a room (especially a dinner) not knowing barely anyone and sitting down and eating with strangers, four my kids really did not want to go. BUT we went. It was OK and the people that I will be working with were very nice. But let me tell you what happened when we left. So it was 8:00 and we were pooped getting ready to walk out when we heard this beautiful unbelievable voice singing opera. I was drawn to it. We went into the sanctuary and a lady was practicing her opera singing. We sat down and listened. The three of us were the only ones there listening. It was so beautiful I started to cry- I mean not like blubbering crying but tears in my eyes crying. Once again I embarrassed my daughter with my uncontrollable emotion. SOMETHING moved me. I don't know if it was the emotion she sang with or it was just that moment but I truly appreciated that moment. We didn't stay long- only a few minutes because Adam was beyond tired but it was beautiful. Marwa always reminds me- to stay in the moment because it will pass! I know one day I will look and my little boy will be a young man and the last thing he will want is for me to read his favorite fairy tale. I know because I now have a young lady on my hands- a beautiful, smart, reflective, empathetic young lady. OK the tears are coming back again-I am just a weepy mess! time for me to go get something done.

Adam's thoughts...

When my dad sent Adam a train comforter set a few weeks ago his favorite part was the little throw pillow that came with it. Conversation at "tuck in" time tonight:

Adam: Mommy what size shirt and pants do I wear?

Me: Size 6- why?

Adam: This pillow is the perfect size 6 for me!

It's official!

I am a resident of Montana. This week I went to get my Montana Driver's license and today I got my plates (which I think are ugly). I see everyone driving around with all these cute plates with Montana scenes (mountains, fish, horses etc) and when I went there she handed me these institutional looking plain blue and white plates. She proceeded to tell me that the cute ones were another 50 dollars! Say what?? Hecky no. Well, I came to find out that the plain one I have are the brand new ones that are "retro" from the 70's. Whatever.

I am losing my battle with the 5 pounds I gained plus the 10 I wanted to lose before I gained the 5- in fact on my "plan" I gained another few! So I took action and I am back on the weight watchers online plan- which forces me to keep track of what I eat. The online plan is cheaper but I don't go to any meetings. I like this plan cause its nothing crazy and I can "save" to eat something I really want. Everytime I do this plan I am shocked to see how many "points" I am really eating. I am supposed to be staying around 23 plus I get weekly points I can borrow. Wow- I was probably eating well over 30. I have lost a few pounds already and I am surely NOT hungry at all. Just trying to push past my night time cravings which hasn't been too much of a problem this week because I have been exhausted every evening. I also joined Jazzercize which I LOVE. It's perfect for me- I pay ONE dollar for Adam as opposed to SIX at the gym and I get a great workout in an hour and I leave. I though it was funny- weight watchers and jazzercize are so "80s" but I really think they both work- which is probably why they have been around so long. I am working on my food blog and when its ready I will let you know. Not sure I'll have time to do both but we'll see. SOME PEOPLE (ahem) say they don't want to hear about my food struggles so I thought I would do a food blog/journal just for that.

Update about Ali (Hamed): he is doing fine but really misses us and home ALOT. His dad is scheduled to have surgery on my birthday. So please keep them both in your prayers.

I opened my business account for Chickpea Cafe today!!! I have my own business account- oooohhh. Now I just need some money to fill it :O)

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my sissy! I love U!

A big trip

No one knows the plans God has for us- what he has in store. We don't have to know- I wouldn't want all that responsibility. Hamed (Ali) left for Iraq today to go see his Dad. Did I want him to go? Absolutely not, but I knew that he had something in his heart to go. It wasn't an easy decision- he agonized over it. He didn't want to leave us or his job. His dad is not doing too well so if he didn't go now he wouldn't be able to go in June when the season on the ranch started. There are sooooo many incredible people here- including his bosses. They both gave their consent for him to go and told him not to worry- just to go! I told him that we would be fine- that we have people that I can call now if I need anything. But its still hard. We really miss him. I know its going to be hard on him- to go across the world to sit in a hospital in Baghdad. Oh it sucks! Please pray for his strength and for his dad- he is in pain.

Here's what's going on here: I am still slowing unpacking everything and I still need to go back to the condo to get the rest of the stuff and clean. I joined Jazzercize- I am bound and determined to lose the 5 pounds I gained. It's nice because I can bring Adam for a dollar- although he is not crazy about it.I have been eating mostly vegetarian the last few weeks. I came to the realization that I don't really like meat! It just makes sense to me- I hated it when I was little. Noway am I saying I will never eat meat but I am doing fine without it. It might sound cliche but since I have been here I have had more of an appreciation for animals. We went to a dairy farm the other day and we were admiring all the baby animals. The piglets were a day old- their eyes weren't even open! I asked the guy what would happen to them and he said his son has an organic pork company. Sniff- poor little piglets. Just kidding but it has made me think about what I am shoving in my mouth. I am still moving forward with my business- I am working with someone on my logo and I am going to the commercial kitchen this week to talk to the lady over there about some details. My sister in law, Wejdan, is coming the end of the month to help me! Yay, I am sooooo excited to have someone here to help and be just as excited about Chickpea Cafe as I am. The cooking is going well- I think I am getting better. Although I have not perfected the grape leaves- but I am waiting for her to come and help and teach me. My mom is coming in July and my dad is coming in August. It will be nice to have family around.

Our weekend

We finally made it to Yellowstone National Park. I have always wanted to go there and even more since we moved here. They had a week of no entrance fees and Hamed had the day off yesterday so it was a perfect day to go. I thought a good day trip would be to drive to the Mammoth Hot Springs and then to the Boiling River which are pretty close by. It took us about 2 hours to get there and the views were amazing! I was getting mad because the signs kept saying "don't feed the animals, don't touch the animals, don't go more then 100 feet from the animals" blah, blah, blah but I was like where are the animals? Then we saw wolves! We also saw elk, wild sheep, deer and many different birds. The boiling river is a spot where the hot water from the mountain springs (scalding hot) joins the cold river water. Well, we weren't very prepared because you really need water shoes- its very rocky and the water was high and the current was strong but we went in and it was an experience I will not soon forget. Here are some photos:

Hi Again

Sorry for the long interruption of posts but we finally moved and just got the Internet today! I'll have you know that I am currently scrunched up in a corner in a an uncomfortable position at 12:30 am because I could not find my wireless thingy- I am connected to the wall and cannot move. All to bring you updates! I have to tell you that we have a WONDERFUL weekend this past one. Between the kids having friends over we got away to a nice resort called Fairmount Hot Springs. We would have spent the night but we had to return for Asia. Poor thing was alone for 9 hours. Anyway the weather was perfect and the 2 hour drive was gorgeous. The kids really enjoyed it too. This was more family friendly and bigger than Chico Hot Springs. For those of you not in Montana Hot Springs are quite popular here. It's wonderful cause you can swim all year round.

We needed the break big time between the move and the stress of Ali (Hamed's) dad being sick- he wasn't sure if he needed to go to Iraq and we are so worried about him. It is so hard because all we can do is pray. His dad ended up going to a doctor in Baghdad and had surgery. Please send prayers along if you haven't already.

I am still unpacking and organizing (not my thing) and I will post pictures of the house but for right now my camera is busted. Here is what I like about the house: we are a little farther out from town and the night sky is unbelievable! I wish I knew what all the stars were- they are so bright and so clear. It is really quiet here and definitely more space. I was worried about moving away from that beautiful park we were so close to but there is a trail here that I have been walking on and I have really enjoyed my walks every evening with Asia. I like being back in a ranch again- everything is so easy to clean and get to. I like that the kids rooms are on one side of the house and ours is on the other. What I don't like: adding another 10 mins to drive anywhere and the stainless steel appliances- who thought of that?

I have a lot of other things to talk about but for now I am going to try to catch some sleep. Goodnight

Pictures from our trip!

Ramblings

I was going to spend this post talking about how Joel has changed my way of thinking (he has) but I really just feel like venting right now. We are in the process of moving which, as I mentioned before. is the first time in my life doing this on my own. The idea in thought actually isn't that bad. Just pack and drive 6 minutes down the street. But in reality it involves (for some reason) having piles and piles of clothes and misc piles of crap laying everywhere. It also involves just having stuff sitting around on the table and counters until I can find time or figure out how I want to transport it. So basically we are living in piles of messes right now. The reality also means that I have a little boy who is already bored out of his mind (and must I say a mom who already is feeling extremely guilty about not intellectually stimulating him enough) being bored even further and even more feeling of guilt as I try to "pack" (I use that term lightly as this really is not packing more like shoving what I can into garbage bags and then into my car driving over to the house and throwing it into the garage). I look at him everyday and feel like he needs more- more than what I am able to provide. Hopefully he will not be intellectually damaged his whole life because of his one year spent with me. I think about what Summer was doing at his age- engaged in fun and educational activities with other children at a nationally accredited preschool. But on the other hand I did not see her for 9 hours a day. Why is life so full of extremes? Sigh... oh well to get back to my chaos. Everyone keeps asking me do you have a moving day? Well, no my original plan was to little by little bring things over because our lease for the condo is not up until Aug. anyway. All that was changed when Ali realized that he would have to do all the moving himself and that the two guys that could help him will be leaving for the off season on the ranch. So Sunday comes along and we are shoving stuff into my cousins truck because him and his friend were there to help. Plans were made for a truck to come Thurs because Ali had access to one and the guys would be here. So here I am trying to get everything shoved over to the new house.

I have been stress eating since I came back from our trip. Stress eating for me is eating a whole nother meal at night and just basically eating stuff I don't normally eat in amounts I would not normally think of putting in my mouth. It's funny how when we came back I missed everyone more then before I came. I am doing fine and I am really happy here but its a whole new way of living for me. I think it's just being able to function day to day on my own without support. I think I have realized since I have been here how much I had mentally depended on others. I was out walking this evening and I was thinking about how the last 10 years I have not had to make any friends or seek out any social situations. I had my small group of friends I have known for years and my family. There is comfort in that- but there is also stagnancy. Here I am out here on my own making a way for us. I know in my heart that God has put people in my life that I need. I picture myself like that little bird getting ready to fly and the mamma bird pushing her out of the nest. That little bird has no idea what she can do and the potential she holds in her wings and is scared but she has to trust. Yep that's me a little bird. So that leads me back to the stress eating. I know I am doing it but its like something takes over. So here I am 5 pounds later feeling very uncomfortable. I am also breaking out like crazy. So as you can tell I am feeling quite pretty and confident. I know I will lose it cause I can't live like that but that's not the point- the point is why do I keep doing this over and over again?

Well, anyway in other news Summer is getting glasses. I think I need to be the recipient of the bad mom of the year award because the nurse called me in like November for a heads up from the eye exam at school and I dragged my feet on it. To be truthful I did not take it seriously so finally her and Ali went to the doctor last Fri and they BOTH need glasses. She really needed them bad I guess. Adam is back in preschool one day a week for 4 hours. Its really cool- its gymnastics, swimming and preschool and I get three hours to myself because I volunteer that day at Summer's school. Hockey season is over and now he is waiting for T ball in May. He LOVES any sport. Obviously did not get that gene from me.

Thanks for listening to me vent!

I'm Back!

OK so to be truthful I haven't had any urges to write lately and things have been crazy since we got back last Monday. One thing I have learned about myself or maybe has gotten worse since I am getting older is my trouble dealing with more then one thing at a time. We did put an offer on a house that was accepted and we are supposed to close tomorrow. I am happy and feel so blessed with this house but it is an odd feeling not celebrating it and sharing it with my close friends and family. OK so maybe it makes me feel even more lonely when we are making a move knowing that this is the FIRST time ever that we will move by ourselves. We have ALWAYS had friends and family around to help either with the actual move or with the kids. All I can say is it is an ODD feeling. I am an admitted procrastinator big time (my family can attest to that) so we will be taking this move little by little. Soooo, that's been on the plate (signing papers, sending document ion, etc) mixed in with recovering from a wonderful whirlwind trip to OH and NC (on 6 planes in 10 days). Still doing laundry from that one- actually I just finished unpacking today. Also on the plate has been my business, Chickpea Cafe, LLC (ooooooohhhh it actually has an official name :)) but that has been put on the back burner (no pun intended) because as I mentioned my brain can only deal with ONE thing at a time. Here's what's next for the business: obtaining liability insurance, creating a logo, packaging and labels, taste-testing (if you are here in Bozeman let me know if you would like to participate in that) and just continuing to practice recipes which has been close to impossible lately- so hard with trying to keep Adam busy. Oh and let's not forget finishing up the cookie sales! Wow, I never felt so relieved to turn in all that money.

I have to say I have felt lonelier since we have been back. Maybe I forgot how nice it is to have people around that I am still not "getting to know". People who know me and my history friends and family. Not to say that I am complaining because God has sent us some really nice people here to be in our lives, but it definitely feels different coming back. I question my effort in developing relationships with people here all the time. I think I have made friends but am I really putting the effort into fostering and developing those friendships? Probably not- mostly because I have so much going on including keeping my family happy. Oh well- yes I am FAR from where I would like to be but I think I am doing OK.

Next blog: how my thinking has changed thanks to Joel!

Taking a break

Hi all,

Just wanted to thank everyone for your love and support. I can truly feel and hear it all whether its your comments on my blog, in our conversations or emails. It's so cool to know people are listening- even ones I have never met. I am just trying to be real to who I am- not worrying about how stupid I may sound (believe me sometimes I look back at what I wrote and think- ugh I shared too much or why did I say that???). I will be taking a break from posting for a while until we get back.

Are you struggling with something? That's a good thing. It means that God is trying to teach you something, bringing you to a new and better direction in your life. He has a plan for you.

Much Love!

Doing good...

Had a few thoughts while sitting in church today. First, I really didn't want to go after all it is Sunday but I knew we were going to be gone for a few Sundays (going to OH and NC to see family) so I got everyone up and going. Summer and Adam really don't complain about going but they are not really enthusiastic about it either. That's OK . So I was sitting there thinking about what God wants us to do with our lives (pretty big thoughts eh?). Sometimes it can be overwhelming to think about how much we are given and how much we give back. Often I feel like I am not doing enough. That if I died today could I say I did enough with this life I was given? That can be overwhelming but I don't think it needs to be. Sometimes I think things I should be doing grander things like taking in an orphan, or teaching Sunday school every week, or committing myself to some cause but I really don't think our "work" here needs to be that big. I think that if we are contributing somehow in our own way that is good too. I think that the little things count: holding the door open for someone, taking the time to talk to someone who looks lonely, being a good role model to our children, letting someone else get the best parking spot (oooohhhh that's a hard one isn't it?), avoiding sin and temptations, doing one good deed a day, go out of your way for someone, cheering someone up, being a good listener, etc. Are these things doable? I think so. Sometimes it might put you out of your comfort zone, but those moments can often be the biggest blessings. It feels good to be nice- I mean really nice and people take notice. OK so sometimes people don't appreciate your kindness or take advantage of it but that's not the reason for doing it. It's easier to be nice here though because everyone is so friendly.

To say that we are excited about seeing family is an understatement. I am really looking forward to it. But, its gonna be weird for me in a way. This is the first time I have lived outside of OH for an extended period of time and I wonder how I will feel about it when I am there. Can you imagine living in a beautiful painting (well if you live here you know)? That's how our life is here. Doing mundane things like walking out of Target and seeing the most beautiful snow covered mountains. Or driving down the street and seeing horses or cows grazing. Yep that's life here and I LOVE IT.

I apologize for the lack of pictures recently. I guess its because of time limits but I will try harder!

God working in me

Been very busy and tired lately but very excited for the things that are happening in my life. As usual, when I go to "volunteer" or "help" God reveals something to me (usually its me that needs the help!). We had our girl scout cookie booth sales this past weekend. I stepped up at the beginning of year to be the cookie chair (mostly because I did not want to be the leader). So after much drama of finding out that we could not sell at the original location (another test of faith- had to let God handle that one)we sat for 6 hours Sat. and 4 Sunday at the Home and Garden show at the fairgrounds. On Sunday I was feeling very tired and drained. The girls actually kept me going with their enthusiasm and cheerfulness. As I was sitting there, a young lady with disabilities approached me. She proceeded to explain that she was in Girl Scouts her whole life and she was told that she could not participate after she graduated. My heart sunk. As she was speaking I thought about this girl's life and how hard it must have been for her throughout school. I hoped in my heart that she had a good experience with GS and that she had a least one friend that stuck by her. As she was speaking her hand was clutching a big amount of change, pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. She put the money that she had on the table and said that she wanted to donate to the girls troop. My heart sunk even further. I wanted to do something, anything for this young lady who obviously had some big struggles in her life. I wanted to cry. The only thing I could do was talk to her and thank her.

God reveals so much to us if we just take the time to look. I think he sent this girl to me to make me wake up. Here she was giving everything she had. I cried last night when I thought about it. God has blessed me with SO MUCH and I am going around complaining (in my mind) about 10 lousy pounds? I am complaining (again in my mind) about how this business I am working on won't work and not focusing on HIM, the one that is limitless! Thank you God, for putting things in perspective for me. Once again, I set out to do good and God reveals something pure and good to me.

Update: we put an offer on a house that was accepted! I am now the official owner of my own business: Chickpea Cafe, LLC!

Eating continued...

Well folks sorry I am still on the eating topic. I am thinking about how do I know that the changes I am making in my life will be successful? What if I continue to work hard at this (meaning eating the right things at the right time and exercising) and I don't lose a pound? Would I continue? I don't really know that answer. Part of me knows that eating right and exercising is just good for me and a stress reliever but the other part of me says wow thats a lot of hard work for what? Usually I continue on until a special occasion comes up, a trip, huge amounts of stress, etc and I go back to my stress eating. Then I gain right back what I lost and sometimes then some.

Here is something new I have learned to do. I picked up Bob Green's Book Are You Ready mostly because it was $6.00 and I just wanted someone to motivate me! I have been thinking a lot about that question -you know -are you ready? I always say I am but am I really? As I mentioned before I am at the point where I can stay where I am or I have to make some huge changes to get to the next point. The weight I am at is one I can maintain by watching what I eat but also indulging and working out a few days a week. Am I ready to take the next step? Am I ready to sacrifice time to work out more? Am I ready to not eat in the evening even though I am hungry? Am I willing to not even take that one bite of cookie knowing that it will lead to others? Maybe for now for a year or longer but how long will I be able to do that?

Bob said to really think while you are eating (especially when you know you are not hungry). Even if you go ahead and binge or eat something bad really think about what you are feeling. He says that our society is so busy that we don't even know what or why we are feeling a certain way- that we just stuff our feelings down and they surface in other ways(like overeating). So now I ask myself why am I wanting that, why am I eating this, etc. I really think it helps to get your mind in touch with your stomach. Thanks Bob.

Green Monster

Maria asked me about the "Green Monster". Here is where I got it from. It's basically a smoothie with a base of spinach. OK I know it does not sound appealing but just give it a try- it might change your mornings forever!
http://greenmonstermovement.com/

Eating

I don't know if ya'll care (what am I southern now?) about my eating habits but I feel the need to talk about it for whatever reason. You would think that by 36 years old I would have figured myself and my body out- although it does change with time. I keep "rediscovering" the same things about myself, come to same conclusions only to get right back into the same eating situations that I have been in the past 20 years. For example, I have been kind of stressing- I don't know if you really call it stressing- the past month about a few things. I guess you would call it feeling restless? Nervous? I have been putting a lot of thinking time into the business and of course I think about the same things over and over. I do become obsessive at times. I don't know if that's unusual. I think about the same minor details over and over- for example how to prepare a certain recipe, or what amount of a spice to put in something etc I could go on and on. I also have been obsessing over finding a more "permanent" place to live. I have spent a lot of time searching and thinking about this also. I keep praying for my focus to become less obsessive. Sooooo to get back to the topic- whenever I am thinking about something, something is unsettled, I tend to binge or overeat. I know and realize that I am doing it. I can't sit there and say I don't know what came over me! I do know- I get stressed and I want to eat. Yesterday I had a Moose Munch bar (I don't even REALLY like that), a meatball sub, and brownie (warm by the way) with ice cream and raspberry sauce. Uh I must say that last one was awesome! So instead of eating all that I could have really watched what I ate all day and enjoyed the stupid brownie. I don't feel good when I eat that amount of food. So I realize it and yet I still have not learned any coping mechanisms to deal with it. Life is always going to have stress so what can I do to deal with that stress better? Any suggestions?

I still have not found that healthy balance. Between being hungry and satisfied. I mean I have learned about myself that I cannot just have a "bite" of something. I mean gimmie the whole darn thing or I don't want it! Will I ever get there? That healthy balance? When I deprive myself I react with Overeaction. Well in case you are interested here is what I am doing because I know I cannot cut all carbs, but my body reacts severely to them. I gain weight by eating at night and evening. I have cravings at night and almost none during the day. I need to keep exercising consistently- like at least 3 days. I have been pretty good about that. I try not to do too much with that though, because I think in my mind I know I cannot keep up overly strenuous exercise so its a waste.

I usually wake up hungry- especially following this. In the morning to cut the edge I have a few cups of tea. Then usually a green monster or eggs.

Lunch- veggies, protein and my carbs. I am trying to avoid bread but I LOVE LOVE LOVE it so much :( I could probably do better by switching the carbs to the morning but I don't even want them and then at the end of the day I feel sorry for myself that I didn't have my carbs.

Usually banana or apple to cut the hunger

Dinner- protein and veggies. This is the HARDEST part of my day. I have HUGE cravings and hunger from 5:00PM and on. This is where I need to be restrictive and have willpower. Night is where the worst "damage" is done. Its so weird cause I will say OK I can eat that tomorrow and then the next day I don't even want it. My hardest rule to follow: not eating after 7:00pm.

Well, didn't mean to bore you all about myself. I wish I could hear about you too!

2 things I wanted to tell you...

Here's what Adam said to me yesterday:
"I am so glad that boys don't have to wear bras, I think they would hurt their armpicks."

and completely unrelated...

This was part of today's devotional:

"The fruit of the Spirit is… joy." Joy is gladness of heart, an inner spiritual happiness that does not depend upon circumstances. It is a spiritual delight in the Lord that is always available, no matter what is happening around us. "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4).

I LOVE that its so true! You can find so much rest for your soul if you put your trust and circumstances in God's hands.

Little tiny brains...

Well, Adam is slowly recovering from his tonsil removal this past Wed. He is the bravest little boy I have ever met (of course I am not biased at all). He did not cry once throughout the whole process except when they took the IV out. He knew exactly what was going to happen and was so brave! They told him to take the medicine to make him sleepy and not once did he complain. This time I did not have to go in to watch him be put to sleep which saved ME a lot of tears. The last 2 times I had to do that and I was bawling both times (of course after I left the room). The nurses said when he was waking up he had a smile on his face! He has been in heaven playing all his Wii games and DS games and playing with daddy's ipod. I usually have strict time limits on all that but not the past few days. He ate a sandwich today and did fine!

Taken a break this week with working on the business but I have set some deadlines for myself. I would like to have secured a commercial kitchen by the time I go to Cleveland. I found one that I really like and the lady there is very helpful. I have been working on some recipes and tweeking some things. I love pretty much everything I have made but that is different then marketing and selling food to others. So far the feedback I have gotten has been very positive from everyone I have talked to so we'll see what happens.

Started my Bible study last week and I think I am really going to like it. I forgot how nice it is to be involved in a study with women. All the women in my small group are much older than myself but I don't mind different perspectives, infact I enjoy hearing and talking to women who have life experiences and can share so much. I think we will all learn from each other.

Ali bought me a book on tape for Christmas that I wanted- it is Joel Osteen's new book. He has been listening to it driving to work and I can really see a difference in how this has influenced his thinking. You guys -if you have not heard him (Joel not Ali) on TV or read one of his books I HIGHLY recommend them. I don't care where you are in your life this will be the most uplifting words you have heard. Believe me I think God put Joel on TV many a time for us to listen to while Ali was laid off. We were sooo down and listening to him kept us both going. It changes your whole outlook. It was like he was speaking to US.

Oh so I bet you are wondering what the tiny little brains is about. So we went to Ali's boss' house last weekend and they were telling us about how their daughter had her tonsils removed by the same doctor and she asked if she could take her tonsils to school. I was like WHAT??? -I never heard of such a thing! They gave them to her in a little jar. We were laughing about it and I said I didn't think we would request that. So they wheeled Adam into the recovery room and we were all sitting around him, chit chatting and waiting for him to be able to go. All of a sudden Ali looks behind his bed and says "are those his tonsils?" I just started laughing because if you know him you know how he likes to play tricks- especially on me...so I was laughing and he said "No, really I think those are his tonsils!" I looked at the nurse and she said "Oh ya, can you believe how BIG they are?" So I looked behind the bed and sure enough there they were in a jar. I picked it up and of course Summer ran out of the room. Adam said "Wow- they look like tiny little brains". They did! Well, they were quickly put back where they were found and needless to say we did not bring them home!

Emotions

Emotions are running high and low here.

The lows: Mom went home yesterday, which is OK because we will be coming to Cleveland in less than 2 months but the kids were crying this evening. I am especially concerned for Adam because I think he has a hard time expressing his feelings- its like he is feeling something but not sure what it is all about. He came downstairs crying and he said that he missed his old school. I know it has to have been very hard on him to leave everything he knew and I just took it all for granted because we love it here so much but the poor little guy is sitting here with me everyday running errands, playing while I workout or get some work done. I can only imagine the changes he has endured. He was in daycare and preschool full time the first 4 years of his life. Always something fun and interesting going on. I know he will be fine in Kindergarten and I am just holding onto the few months we get together before he is off to school. Wow, that just made me teary eyed. I want whats best for him but I also want him to be with me before he is rushing off to be with friends or play sports. I know that this is a new beginning for me. The kids being in school and starting a business but its so hard to let go. Now I really understand why women get that itch for a third- don't worry its not gonna happen!

The highs:
Today I was working out and I felt sooooo good. I was listening to my music and felt so pumped up so full of energy and ambition. I felt blessed and energized. I am trying to start up a food business. I am really excited about the prospects of what could happen with this company and I won't get too much into it right now but I am so excited about it. I haven't been this pumped up about anything in my career the past ten years. God has put so many wonderful blessings in my life (I know you probably get tired of hearing that but its true!) and the idea of this business is certainly one. I think its because I spent so many years STUCK with no where to move and go and now I feel so free to do what I really want to do- work for my family and not for someone else. I was thinking today how God can take something so impossible and completely change it or maybe He just changes how we look at it. Whether its our thoughts, the way we live, where we are going, who we surround ourselves with, what we are doing. Sometimes that doubt creeps up: noway would that work, but then I push past it and keep on going.

Summer's birthday party was great- I am so happy for her. She has made some really nice friends here. We are winding down (or maybe up?) the cookie sales. We have until Tues and she wants to sell more. Too bad I can't ship -eh?

Sorry...

about the lack of posts this past week. It has been extremely busy and hectic here between my mom visiting, hockey, Girl Scouts, Summer's birthday celebrations (notice the plural), and working on the business. Tomorrow we having a party for her with 5 other girls at "Arts on Fire" where the girls can pick out a pottery piece and paint it. I am really looking forward to painting something too. I will update you more the next few days. Good night!

My workout -my weight

I am so happy- today I went to the gym to workout- my usual half hour treadmill half hour stair climber- and I actually jogged. I gave up on jogging a year ago because I just did not have the time or energy to train for it. My legs can do it- I just lose my breath if I do not do it consistently. Since we moved here I feel like I lose my breath so easily I think because of the altitude. In fact I experienced asthma here for the first time in many years! I tried to run in Aug/Sept and I just couldn't do it so I told myself well walking is OK and it is but I just wanted an extra jolt today. I didn't feel like I was sweating enough so I jogged for a song, walked, and then jogged and walked for two more songs. Baby steps. The problem is that my face gets so red and I just sweat WAY too much for a normal person.

I am not giving up on my goals. I have been wanting to lose about 10 more pounds since I left Ohio. I lost about 5-6 before I left. I am at my stopping point. What that means to me is that I am at the weight that the only way I will lose more is if I seriously step up the excersicing and reduce the amount of fat and carbs I am consuming. I am never willing to completely cut anything out because that usually backfires. I go through waves of not really being hungry and forgetting to eat to revenous, starving mode. In the end it all balances and I don't really gain or lose. So now I am gonna try to step it up because I really enjoy getting out by myself and going to the gym. BTW this gym has a second floor of windows and I can stairclimb and look at the beautiful mountains. What a blessing.

What I am proud of...

I am proud that:

My kids don't know who Lady Ga Ga is.

When we watch a movie and they hear a cuss word they have no idea what it is or that it is a bad word.

we all don't know what the top ten songs are this week.

Their favorite channel (including Summer) is Montana Kids PBS station. Shhhh don't tell her friends!

That we use an antenna to get that station! Unfortunetly we broke down and got Basic cable to watch the new seasons of 24 and Lost :(

I have no car payment.

My kids like going to the 1/2 off sale every Friday at the thrift store!

We pray together every night.

They look at other kids weirdly that are acting like savages.

Adam found 30 dollars on the floor and took his "girls" out to lunch.

Adam likes the "rules". Heaven forbid you are not following them!

I no longer NEED that Dooney and Bourke purse (although it would be nice to have :)

My biggest expense is boots.

That I am not ashamed of my faith.

What are you proud of??

Dreams

Just watched the movie Julie and Julia. I really enjoyed watching this movie. It only reinforced to me the wondrous things that God can do in our lives. I think that what plans we have for ourselves are minuscule compared to what God has planned for us. We only need to get out of our own way. Does that make sense? Sometimes what planned or want is not what is best for us but we keep on pounding away at those things when maybe something else is waiting. I love the part of the movie when Julia is packing the book up to send off to the publishers and she says that she loves "those moments". You know the ones where anything can happen! I've had those: being pregnant, applying for a job, starting a new project. Nerve wracking but exhilarating because the world of possibilites is opened up! I think I am at that moment now. Where I have the privilege of going any direction I want in my life. The movie also made me think about how we can be given what seems like a bad situation and it is turned into something spectacular. Amazing.

Oh and I have a new years resolution for you: start your own blog! It's getting lonely out here in blog world.